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A Difficult Time

I apologize for my absence. I’ve been gone for a while I know, but I have been dealing with a devastating loss, one that has rocked me harder than I ever imagined- because I never imagined it happening.

My laptop has died.

She’d been sick for a few months. Sometimes it took forever for her to boot up and when she did, she’d ask random questions about obscure programs I had never heard of. Sometimes I’d be typing feverously only to realize that she hadn’t been paying attention at all, her cursor nowhere close to the word document we were working on. When I’d call her out on it, she’d make excuses, usually saying her battery was low even though she’d been charging all day.

She was tired, always tired.

I tried my best to do everything I could to make her better. I rebooted her constantly: letting her screen go black, counting to 10 (because that’s the magic number for everything), then cutting her back on. It didn’t work. I un-installed and reinstalled programs, but that didn’t work either. Towards the end she was dragging, always lagging; the rams and gigabytes she once prided herself on were now meaningless, but she was good. She kept telling me she was good.

One day, she woke up immediately which was unusual. The back light to her keyboard shone so bright, I just knew she was healed. She let me open Word! I told her about all the wonderful ideas I had been writing on envelope backs and Post-It notes. I was sooo excited: the band was getting back together. Yeah!!

But then kaboom. She started glitching, her screen was covered in static, and I could hear her beeping and booping- sending me messages that she was ready to move on. She lit up one last time and then she was gone.

She is now a paperweight, an expensive paperweight.

I know I should move on, but I can’t. She and I created some of my best work. I took her everywhere with me. She was my best friend, letting go of that friendship is hard.

And OMG, finding a new laptop is stressful. The new ones are flashy and sleek and do lots of amazing things that I care nothing about. All I want to do is type and save… and maybe get on TikTok- and Twitter- and shop online- and play Farm Hero Saga. Can I do all that successfully for $300 or do I need to bite the bullet and spend $1200 on something everyone says will be obsolete in 3 years? It’s all so confusing and now I’m fearful of making a huge, expensive mistake. Eventually I’m going to have to make that leap- I know- but for now I mourn.

I’ll keep y’all updated on funeral arrangements.

Published by fergwilliams

Ferguson Williams, a fiction writer from Socastee, South Carolina, is a 2021 Periplus Collective Fellow and a 2021 Elizabeth Boatwright Coker Fellowship Finalist. Her work has appeared in Five:2:One Magazine, Azure: A Journal of Literary Thought, and The Petigru Review.

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